Coralee

This week, my sweet, humble, strong, faithful, kind, perfect Grandma went to heaven. Two weeks ago, she commented on my last blog post. She said, "I love your posts. You say such good things and you are so beautiful." That is just the type of response anyone would expect from her, which only makes it better. I've been wanting to write about her, but I've felt a little frozen. Well, here I finally go. 

First of all, I want to refer to her in the present tense because I know she is still alive. She was amazing, and she still is amazing. I am so blessed to have grown up in an extended family that is so full of faith and so sure of our knowledge of God's plan of salvation. We know we will see her again, and before she died, she frequently testified about where she knew she was going. She said that she was going to do everything she could to help us from the other side of the veil. I know she is serving God and serving others, especially her family, just as she did on earth. 

After my grandma died, a lady from the hospice who helps people deal spiritually with loss called my Grandpa, asking if she could come visit and prepare him for life without her. He said "I've been preparing for this my whole life. We know that this life is not the reward, but the test. And she definitely passed the test and is going now to receive her reward." He knows it's true, and because of the faith my grandparents passed down to all of us, I know it too. They are a hugely powerful, influential link in my chain. 

My grandma Coralee Dahl will always be extra special to me. She is an extra special person. Also, I am my grandparents' oldest grandchild, and I am so honored to share her name. My middle name, Coralee, is hers. I represent my family as a Johnson, I represent Jesus Christ as a disciple and member of His church, I represent myself as Clarissa, and I represent my dear Grandma Coralee. What a powerful example she was. 

There is so much to say about her, and it's impossible to write a post explaining the essence of someone and a lifetime of experiences with them, but I know the Lord knows my heart, and I know my Grandma knows how I feel about her. She is so humble; she never thinks about herself. She is organized and hardworking and thorough. She is completely kind, and she puts real effort into loving and serving others. I can just hear her happy voice saying "Is it Clarissa!?" whenever I would call her or walk into her house, as if she would rather be talking to me than doing anything else in the world. 

She shared her love through her time. She taught us all piano and keyboarding and computer lessons, she cared about the details of all of our lives, she wrote us weekly emails yearly "Grandma book" pages, made us doll quilts, and prayed for all of her children, their husbands and wives, and her 24 grandchildren individually every day. She served selflessly and made everyone feel important. 

It is so hard to be living so far away right now! I really, really love my life in Spain, but I am just dying to be there during this time. I can't afford to go home for the funeral, and I haven't seen her in person since Christmas. After she died, I was bombarded with thoughts about how I should have called her one more time during the last week of her life, I should have told her one more time how much I loved her, I should have somehow been there more at the end of her life, and now, I should have planned my life differently so I could be at her funeral. 

Finally, eventually, after thinking and praying and talking with my wise mother, my grandma's oldest daughter, I realized that it's all ok. It's more than ok. My grandma loves me so much, she knows I love her, and we were blessed with many, many opportunities to show and express this love to each other. Now I can recognize how many blessings there have been during this time. 

First, she died peacefully and, once it was really bad at the end, quickly. I'm so happy she's not suffering, struggling to breath, and worrying about how much worse it might get. She is energetically bopping around the spirit world, I'm sure. 

Next, my mom and all of my sisters were on a video call together on Monday when we found out that she had died. It was Carolina's p-day (preparation day) on her mission, so we could immediately be with her and all be with each other in that moment, even though we are literally spread across the world. 

I was also such a blessing that I could spend so much one-on-one quality time with my grandma last summer. I was living at home for two months, and she hired me to help her houseclean and organize photos, etc. She always rounded up my daily hours and then rounded up (again) the weekly hours so she could pay me more even though I told her not to. When I broke my foot, we moved to photos full time, and we would go on long detours where she would show me precious journals, books, photos, and other family history stuff. She told me stories about her parents and grandparents, herself and Grandpa, and her kids. It was all evidence of her honoring the people of her past and blessing her posterity. What precious, precious times those were. 

I'm also so glad that I could spend time with her during Christmas when we both knew it was probably the last time we would see each other. I'm so glad Cristian could meet here. She told me that she understood if I couldn't come home for her funeral because she knows how much I love her. She would also say that dying wouldn't be so hard if we were all jerks, but it was hard because we were all so great. SHE is so great. We both cried and cried as we hugged goodbye. I have been wishing that she could see my future family and love my future kids the way she loved me. But I have realized that she can. She is probably with them right now. What a thrilling and comforting thought. 

I've realized that my last words to her on earth and my attendance at her funeral aren't the essential, final ribbon-tied bow on top of our relationship. No way. Our relationship is only just starting. I miss her so much. Her children and husband miss her even more than I do. But it's not the end. I can tell her more things and she will be able to hear. I can do more things and she will know about them. I can face the trials of life, and she will be there with me, strengthening me. And someday, if I try to be like Christ and be like her, I can live side-by-side them both forever. 

So as I do with Jesus Christ, I will remember her faithfully, try to emulate her powerful example, carry her name with pride and joy, tell my children and grandchildren about her, and eagerly await and work for that sweet, future reunion when I will hug her again. I want to live with Him and with her in God's glorious, eternal kingdom, where we, and all of those we love, will "go no more out."