The Source of Love

I felt so beautiful on this night! I had been preparing this outfit for like a month, and I love it. I also got highlights that were a little more highlighty than I had planned, but with encouragement from a lot of nice people, I started liking them more.

We wanted to have a fancy night out for Valentine’s Day, and then we decided to invite our friends to join us. We got kebabs, and then we went and played foosball and danced at two different bars. So fun! 

At school, I’ve been teaching about Valentine’s Day too. For older kids, I came up with this lesson about red flags and green flags. They have write down a list, and then I play them songs and they have to write down all the green/red flags they hear. I play them “Grenade” by Bruno Mars, “Before he Cheats” by Carrie Underwood, “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran, and “Begin Again” by our favorite girl, Taylor. Maybe I should have them watch the new Opalite music video too next time! They like it and it’s a fun time.

Also, in Spain, one weekend in February is decided to Carnaval. It’s a festival where people dress up and there are parades and such. It happened to fall on February 13-15, and very much took over the town. It was fun but a little weird. It felt like Halloween on Valentine’s Day. 

In regards to Valentine’s Day, something I’ve been thinking a lot about is how to give and receive love well. I am on a seemingly never-ending journey to having a more emotionally healthy relationship with myself. I am really good at feeling love for others. God’s creations are amazing, and I have a lot of passion and appreciation for nature and people in general. I love them. Like my friends in these pictures. They’re all amazing, and it’s so easy to love them. I can be selfish at times, but I think I’m usually pretty good at expressing my love and appreciation for other people. I can see the goodness and glow that they have. I can appreciate the uniqueness and beauty of their personalities and appearance even when they’re not perfect. 

I also am pretty good at receiving love, at least most of the time. Logically I know that I’m a pretty lovable girl, and I am able to appreciate compliments, service, and hugs. I love to be loved. 

However, there is one part of this loving that I’m not always great at, and it’s really, deeply loving myself. And it actually affects the first two parts I mentioned. I can admire and care about others, but how can I really love them completely when I’m silently judging myself and holding myself to a way harsher standard. Both can’t be genuine, and so at least one must be a lie. 

Struggling to love myself fully also makes me a bit more selfish as a love-receiver. If I don’t love myself enough and am a little starved for love, I will beg you for your love or demand it in a certain way or be sad because no matter how much you give me, it doesn’t feel like I have quite enough. Your love is no longer a cherished, happy gift, but an insatiable need. And of course that’s no way to live either.

If none of this sounds relatable, you are a blessed soul. Or maybe just a man. Lol But I think a lot of people of both genders have struggled with these kinds of feelings at some point. 

I am learning that the most important piece of this is God. My love for myself is essential, but what do I have that deserves this love. I said earlier that I love God’s creations, and I do. I love them because they are divine and beautiful and worthwhile. They matter. Well, I am one of those glorious creations. 

I can be acted upon AND I am an actor. Most importantly, I can act upon myself. I can feel loved because I chose to love myself. I am both a glorious creation and a budding, intelligent creator. I will be Mohana the ugly who loves herself into becoming a beautiful ten-cow woman. 

Don’t get me wrong, Cristian loves me so much, thinks I’m gorgeous, and really values me for who I am. And so do so many amazing people. But none of that matters if I don’t see the divinity in myself first. 

The Lord loves me. Specifically. So I will love me. Specifically. And I will use his love to water my own heart. Then I will use my purer heart to love everyone else ever more generously and to receive love ever more graciously. 

“I love you. You love me. We’re a happy family.” Especially with God’s help, we can become as the city of Enoch, Zion. I love me. You love you. God loves us. We love him. These bonds are welding us into safety. No matter what happens to us or what mistakes we make, the love and sacrifice of Christ can save us. He is always saving us with his love. And with our sacred power to act, we can put that love into action: by serving our God, the whole world, and our own precious, precious souls.