A Large Day

Today, I had multiple people tell me that they are reading my blog. These are people in Spain! And they were disappointed that I didn't write this last weekend. So here I am. I feel so happy that people are excited to read my writing! 

I had a good day today, but also (as Cristian says) a large day. Yesterday, the weather was gorgeous and crisp and autumnal and happy.  Today was cold and windy and wet and grey. I took the bus to school (which includes a lot of waiting outside and walking from the bus stop to my school, which is like ten minutes). It was so cold! I need to start wearing gloves. 

Honestly, it's not THAT cold, but it feels worse when I have to be out in it for so long. Scarves, as you may know, are out in the United States. Not here. As I walked from the bus stop to the school, I saw eight women with scarves. So I need a scarf to keep my neck warm. I wonder if I threw away my infinity scarves from 2012 or if they still exist somewhere. 

I had a two-hour break between classes at my school, which was lovely. I walked to Cristian's house and back, which (the walking in the cold part) was less lovely. It was twenty minutes each way. Then, this afternoon, I tried to do laundry. It's supposed to rain every day this week, but I thought that I could get my laundry dried on the line before it did. I was unfortunately wrong. I have been told that the thing to do when it's raining is to go to the laundry mat. There's not one terribly close to here, and it sounds even more time-consuming and overwhelming than hanging the laundry to dry, which already seems like it takes forever. 

Then Thomas got baptized! It was my first time riding the bus to the church by myself, and I did great. Thomas wanted Cristian to baptize him, but Cristian works 2-10 pm every other week (including this week) and couldn't come. The baptism had to be today because it was best for his family who came. So I guess that's understandable.

The baptism was so nice. I played the piano and sang with the sisters. They are the SWEETEST! I'm so grateful to have nice, cute girls from the United States to speak English with sometimes. And they are such wonderful missionaries. I also really loved the last sister, who is now serving in Madrid. After the baptism, I had them over to eat. I also invited Fernanda, and then we randomly met Marcela on the bus and I invited her too. 

I am trying really hard to get over my fear of cooking and feeding people. It's not like a real, serious fear, but cooking stresses me out!! Especially cooking for people and hosting and such. I'm the funnest, most social girl, but the food part of hosting is always hard for me. I don't know where I went wrong because Carolina is like the chef of the century, Desi is literally a professional cooking teacher, and my mom and Liberty both cook incredibly and also every single day. Then there's me. But, again, I'm trying. 

So anyway, there were five of us and we didn't really quite fit around my tiny little table. Also, my kitchen was not as clean as I would have liked. Living with roommates allows for some interesting variables in life sometimes. Marcela is the cleanest person ever, which I absolutely love, but I just felt bad. 

Then, there was NOT enough food. It was shrimp and vegetable noodles that were delicious, just definitely not enough. My mom, grandma, and all my progenitors were frowning down upon me, I'm sure. I felt so bad. I made toast with peanut butter and jam to supplement. It was stressful but fine. 

When they left, I just started thinking of all the ways that living in Spain is hard. I think I'm a bit more prideful than I should be. I know I am. I hate not knowing how to do stuff, and I hate letting people help me so much. I hate it when I do something wrong or not in the best way, and then people tell me how I need to change and do it better next time. I hate how some people from Spain can be judgmental and negative. I hate feeling like I'm always in someone's way. I hate feeling like a little kid who doesn't know what's going on instead of a capable, charismatic adult woman. 

I love so much about living here, including some basic norms of life. I love a lot of the people. I'm getting a lot better at the bus and really liking it. I love being surrounded by life and an interesting new culture. I love walking outside so much. I love the food. I love the little shops and cafes. You guys know all the stuff I love. I get annoyed when other Americans in my program complain in the group chat about how they miss all this American food and can't find it here. The food here is incredible! They should enjoy what they've got. Spain is great. 

Well, now here I am. I miss driving a car. I miss sitting down and being lazy. I miss understanding what everyone is saying all the time. I miss getting everything I need in one Walmart pick-up order. I really miss clothes dryers. Mostly, I miss being comfortable and knowing how to do things.  

Soon after my dinner guests left, Cristian called. He had just gotten off work and was tired and wanted to get home before it started to rain again. I said I didn't want to leave my house after such a big day (plus I was still cleaning up), but he didn't want to come all the way up to my apartment for fear of staying too long. I agreed to meet him at the door (called the portal... the door to the street). Actually, I agreed to meet him at the ayuntamiento (town hall) across the street, but I was too slow, so he came to my portal. 

I felt tired and overwhelmed, and I hugged him tight and cried into his coat like I do a little too often here. He asked if I wanted to go upstairs to my apartment after all. I said I did. I started recounting my woes, and he started cleaning. None of the mess was his, and most of it wasn't even mine, but he did it. He listened and he loved, and we talked about it. He made me feel so much better. He has taught me that when I feel bad because he is doing something nice for me, I should say "thank you" instead of "I'm sorry." It's been a really good lesson to learn. So I said thank you. 

Then he offered to give me a blessing. It was a really, really good blessing. We both cried. I felt God's love for me so powerfully and Cristian's love for me. I said "thank you" again... to both of them. 

I go to our ward's emotional self-reliance class each Sunday because Cristian is the facilitator. He does a great job, but the class is hard for me because it comes after a day of trying to understand Spanish at church. Then, it's two more hours of Spanish, and we have to interact a lot with our partners. It's good for me, though, and I'm choosing to be there. Anyway, we learned about thinking errors in class, and we're supposed to practice identifying and reframing them. I think it's applicable here.. 

So here are my thinking errors and their improved versions:

"I'm so bad at living in Spain." Actually, living in Spain is really different than living in the United States, but I'm doing it bravely. 

"I don't know how to do anything." Really, I'm quite smart. I know how to do a lot of things. I just don't know how to do basic things here because I've never done them. That is understandable. 

"I am too sensitive and emotional." I am pretty sensitive and pretty emotional, but those are some of the things that make me unique and can even be great strengths in certain moments. Cristian tells me that they are some of the things he really loves about me.  

"I need to be doing better and doing more so that I can make people happy." Actually, people are happy with me because I'm doing my best. They want to serve me because they love me, and if I can't reciprocate at their level, it's because I'm just learning to live in Spain. I am so loved, not just for what I can offer or give to others, but just for being me. 

I'm grateful for a loving, wise God. I'm grateful for his promptings and his comforting confirmations. I'm grateful that I'm brave enough to put myself into the wonderful, soul-stretching, gorgeous situations that I need to be in. 

So, I will keep making a fool of myself in a hundred tiny ways until I learn how not to. I will try to blend in with my trench coat. I will walk the blocks to the dreaded laundromat in the rain. I will keep cooking and hopefully get less and less stressed out by it. I will go to church and self-reliance class and listen to people talk to me in Spanish and keep trying to understand. 

I will thank the Lord for all the unimaginable blessings He is pouring out upon me, even as I climb this sometimes-steep ladder of new experiences. As I exercise my faith, it will grow. As I express my gratitude, I will find more things to be thankful for. And as I love, I will feel more and more loved by the dear ones who love me.