More Holiness

 I’ve had a lot of very holy experiences recently and I’ve felt beautiful feelings of joy. I’ve also felt a lot of fear and opposition. I am a feeler after all. I was re-reminded today that light really does swallow up darkness. Today was the 5,000th broadcast of the Tabernacle Choir and they invited alumni to come up and sing with the choir at the end. I kept telling people that I’m not “retired” as we often say in the choir. I’m on a break. Haha I will be back someday. 

But I entered the Conference Center not exactly floating on air. I came with some doubts and worries and heaviness. For the last few days, I had been over-focusing on what I lack, who I wish I was, and what I wish I had. I had also been letting the fear of what could go wrong in my future really consume me. 

But I walked in anyway, and the Lord took me how I was: a little ungrateful, weary, and worried, and helped lift me higher. The spirit of God was strong and the majesty of the choir and orchestra (including my dear friends and choir siblings) and the messages they were sharing hit me hard! I’m so blessed to be a part of this incredible Tabernacle Choir organization (even just as an alumni that’s not retired) and even more blessed to be a member of the Lord’s church and kingdom on the Earth. And what a kingdom it is! 

I may be in the middle of a phase, a transition, or an uncertain chapter. I may be lacking a husband, family, or permanent home. But I’m also in the middle of God’s holy embrace. And when I turn to him with even fuller purpose of heart than I normally do, he will be there in full measure to lift me up and love me deeply. 

I don’t have it all, but I have so much! I have access to a perfect, wise God and his creations and his beautiful words. The gorgeous statues and cathedrals of Europe represent the best of man-made art. But the best of God-made art is the gorgeous natural world all around us. And the highest and holiest words that exist are recorded in an app on my phone, ready to be transferred to my mind and heart as I need them. And I do need them, desperately and often. 

I also won the jackpot for wonderful, holy family members. I’ve been around an impressive amount of them in the couple weeks, and they are the salt of the earth (including my angel cousin Lili who is now a bride). They make me better, and like my aunt Thelma loves to say on her blog, my safety nets have safety nets. 

I don’t know the future and there are surely some more rough days ahead. But the light of Christ isn’t just something to talk about. It’s something just as tangible as physical light. I felt it today and it changed me in the moment. I don’t want my worship of Deity to end in lip service. I am going to dig deeper into the word of God, follow His prophet with more resolve, and find and create more places where his Spirit can touch me more powerfully. I’m going to plead with him to calm my troubled heart because I know he can and will do it.

Today, in my newfound resolve, I read these beautiful verses in Doctrine and Covenants 61:

36 And now, verily I say unto you, and what I say unto one I say unto all, be of good cheer⁠, little children⁠; for I am in your midst⁠, and I have not forsaken you;

37 And inasmuch as you have humbled yourselves before me, the blessings of the kingdom are yours.

So now, as my flight is about to land in LA for my visa appointment tomorrow, I feel a bit lighter, more grateful, and more resolved to do what is right. I have good cheer because I will never be forsaken.