A Lovely Spot

 I’m sitting outside the Payson Temple right now. I’m supposed to be inside the temple with my entire family (or almost entire). I left my temple recommend in my temple bag and packed it on my moving truck, so it’s probably in Iowa right now. I had to have them look me up at the front desk, so everyone went ahead of me. Soon I was told my recommend was expired. I went to the temple last month (and every month), but somehow I hadn’t notice the impending expiration. Just like I didn’t notice that I might need to bring my temple recommend with me on the plane to Utah.

I had a temple worker go in and let my family know what happened. Then I sadly walked out, and I took a lap around the temple. I saw eight wedding parties. Eight brides. Then I started spiraling. 

I know that what Camille M. Johnson said in her last devotional is true. “Comparisons are odious.” Well, I couldn’t help it. Desi and Liberty are so happy in their eternal marriages, having babies, and creating homes. (Also I met little Parley, and he is so, so cute.)  

Last time I was here, I was planning to get married here. I had ended up here after crying over Matthew. Then I got on the phone with him and showed him the temple where we were supposed to get married and begged him not to leave the church. Before that, I had come to this temple with my husband. Now, as my family does proxy sealings without me, I felt like maybe that just wasn’t meant for me. 

I at least needed to find a place to sit. I needed a little distance from the billion wedding-goers, but I still want to feel the spirit of the temple. I ended up right here, under a tree next to the not-to-busy road, outside the gate, but right within sight of the temple. 

Then I called Cristian and cried. He was at a pizza place with his two friends, but he walked out to talk to me for a minute. He reminded me that I am on my own perfect journey. It’s the one Heavenly Father wanted for me, and that I am still at the temple and can still feel the spirit. I can’t go in today, but I can sometime soon. I can sit outside the gate and still have a front row seat to God’s love. I thanked Cristian for his wise words, promised that I was happy, and let him go back to his friends. 

 Then, I really was happier. It’s still ok. Of course it is. I wish I was in the sealing room with my family. I wish a lot of things, but maybe the Lord’s wishes (and plans and designs and “ways”) are higher than mine. 

I didn’t want to get divorced or have my fiancé leave the church or figuratively “sit outside” as my siblings build their families, but that’s what I got. But it’s ok. It’s more than ok. The Lord is blessing me at every turn and helping me steer my ship. He knows my desires and he’s got me. I know that for sure. I have a father who “gives good gifts.” And a Savior who saves. And a Spirit who comforts. I may feel, and even in some ways actually be, outside the fence of eternal familial love. 

But it’s only for a moment. Soon my family will emerge from the temple and join me. Someday, I will have a real eternal family of my own. But in the meantime, I will bask in my Father’s love, look to him and his house, try to do his work, and enjoy all of the privileges and blessings he’s continually showering down on me. 

What a lovely spot I’m in.