Perspective

 So, I am back! I love writing, and I do a lot of writing, but obviously, I haven't written on this blog for like seven years. Well, here I am. You know, for posterity's sake and all. I am also a follower. My amazing sister, Liberty, just had a baby (the first baby in our family), and she just started a blog. I am following suit because imitation is the sincerest form of flattery . . . or something. 

Well, a lot has happened to me in the last seven years. A LOT! I am older and a little less innocently hopeful, but I'm also stronger. I am a lot stronger. Of all the things that life has given me since then, the most salient is a new inner strength. Life is tough, and it can knock people to the floor in a way that knocks all the wind out and really, really hurts. If I had been asked seven years ago if I could handle having my husband leave me all of a sudden and then getting divorced and living alone for years, I would have said no way! I would have been utterly terrified of the thought and felt completely unprepared. And in many ways, I was so unprepared. 

Navigating trauma and loneliness and heartbreak and abandonment issues and dating after divorce and the opinions of others and my identity and my self-worth has been HARD. There have been moments I just want to evaporate because it all just feels too painful. This bridge of a lesser-known Taylor Swift song (but not lesser-known to me . . . there's no such thing) came to my mind as I wrote this. The song is called "Peter" and it's about Wendy growing older and still waiting for Peter Pan to come find her and rescue her, but he never comes and she finally loses hope. 

And I won't confess that I waited, but I let the lamp burn
As the men masqueraded, I hoped you'd return
With your feet on the ground, tell me all that you'd learned
'Cause love's never lost when perspective is earned
And you said you'd come and get me, but you were 25
And the shelf life of those fantasies has expired
Lost to the Lost Boys chapter of your life

Forgive me, Peter, please know that I tried
To hold on (hold on) to the days (to the days)
When you were mine
But the woman who sits by the window has turned out the light

The line that I originally thought of was the one in bold. "Love's never lost when perspective is earned." I so wanted to have the perfect marriage, but I didn't. I literally lost the one I loved so much. However, now I can look back on that experience, and other break-ups that followed, with new eyes. I have gained SO MUCH perspective. I guess we're always gaining it as we go. And I also haven't lost my love. I have people who love me so much. There are so many! Even more importantly, I love myself. This can be hard for me, but I am getting better at it. And most importantly, I have a God who loves me way more than any of the rest. 

I have been chasing love for a long time. We all do this in different ways. We want to be loved and cared for, and so we act in ways to get that love. It's easy to feel like no one will love me unless I do x, y, and z. Well, thank goodness that's not true! Thank goodness the Lord gives us the best example of this. He loves us perfectly even when we don't feel very loveable. 

In the last few years, I have learned that I can make it! In fact, I can do a lot more than survive. I can feel joyful and loved in the arms of the Lord. I can serve and bless the amazing people around me. I can feel safe in a romantic relationship again. I can use my agency to create a life I am so happy to live. 

Sometimes the most freeing thing to do is "turn out the light" of hope for something that will never happen. I will never have the life path of so many of my family members and people I admire. No amount of wishing and forcing things to be different will make them so. 

Instead, I choose (sometimes daily) to loosen my white-knuckle grip on life and let God prevail. As I have let go of past hopes and expectations, I have made room for so many sweet, glorious, comforting blessings in my real life, now. I have given myself and the Lord space to create something new, something even better than what I thought I had before. I am laying the foundation of a great work in my own life as I have deconstructed and rebuilt multiple times. And the higher I build my castle, the farther out I will be able to see. And it will all make perfect sense in the end. This I know for sure. 

Welcome back to my blog. I love you!